My little Cancers


I’ve gone to write this update for a while now and feel like I don’t even know where to begin. I went to a scheduled ultrasound check up and never left the hospital that day…that week…even that month. They saw that my little twin, Sylas hadn’t grown in two weeks so, it was time to get them out of my tummy. Better out than in situation. We had three hours to prepair for surgery. I sat in my hospital bed and imagined what was about to happen. I was about to have 34 week preemies in my arms.

The nurses came in one by one to prep me for the c section. Then it was time. They made Troy stay in the hallway before he could come in. I was terrified to go in alone. They gave me the spinal and laid me down. I remember the anesthesiologist rubbing my forehead to calm me down. I remember squeezing Troy’s hand as hard as I could. I remember the doctor singing “eeny miny moe” for which baby to take out first. Then I remember a splash! And a brilliant, primal scream. In that moment I was born. I was living. And so was Sylas. Tears came streaming down my face. Then another splash, Lucian screaming, brimming with life. They pulled down the curtain and put him over so I could see him. He was so beautiful.

Troy left my side to go cut the boys’s umbilical cords. I turned my head to the left and I could see them working on Luke. I could see his chest heaving and gasping for air. Bubbles coming from his mouth and tubes everywhere. I looked back at the anesthesiologist and asked if he was okay. She held my head and said yes. The boys’s cries came in unison. Like a song. Their heart monitors beeped together, their hearts beat at the same time. And my heart was beating, still for them.

I never got to see Sylas in the OR. They sewed me up and took the boys to the nicu. I went to the recovery room for a few hours. All I could think of was seeing my boys. After recovery they wheeled me in a bed to the nicu room…room number three…I’ll never forget. A dimly lit room and monitors beeping, nurses crowed to see them. Then I saw them. I thought, “How did I make something so beautiful? Two somethings!”

I held their tiny hands with my pinky. My life was forever changed. We spend three weeks in the NICU and those were some of the hardest three weeks of my life. To watch your children fight to breathe, fight to eat and be poked everyday. Never seeing their bare faces because tape covers their cheeks to hold in feeding tubes. Picking them up with chords attached everywhere. Leaving them at the end of “care time”. It was tough. But they were tougher.

On July 26th the boys came home. Finally…and also holy crap! Way too many emotions. No more monitors to tell me that they were breathing still. No more temperature checks to make sure they weren’t sick. It’s was all us or nothing.

Everyday is new. Everyday is a challenge. Every night is long. I’ve never experienced this level of tired in my life. Worth it? Absolutely. Every moment.

I’m who I always wanted to be, I’m a mother. I’ll learn something new everyday. I’ll mess up. I’ll cry. I’ll laugh and smile. I’ll relish in these moments because I know they won’t be small forever. I made it though. By the grace of God…we made it.